The fall into the pit

Where to start.....ok, I've suffered on and off with depression for 20 years. I've had a few bad spells, but nothing major like the one I've just been and am still going through. Not to get too in depth I was engaged to a lovely girl and we'd had 3 happy years together. She was as bright as a button and after finishing various degrees decided to go into teaching. We had been living together in Sheffield for 3 years, but after qualifying jobs up here were scarce. She applied for a post in London (where she's originally from) and got the gig straight away starting in September 2011. She did ask if I'd consider moving at the time and like an idiot never thought it through, my answer was no as I've got 2 kids from a previous marriage still in Sheffield.
We decided that she should take the job, it was good pay and we'd be able to save for our wedding a lot quicker.
September came around, we said our goodbyes, then the slide began. We'd catch the odd weekend together, but the lonliness soon set in along with 'the blues' and a increasing drinking habit. This habit led to the end of our engagement after a drunken phone call (which I dont remember as I was that pissed!) I told her I wanted to kill myself because I hated being apart.
I knew this was the beginning of the end, She had reconnected with old london friends, settled into the job and it was going great for her. I was given one more chance to sort myself out. I grasped this and stopped drinking, went to the doctor for help with the depression, joined a gym. We still saw each other on the odd weekend but then hit me with the dreaded phrase "I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore"....Does anyone know what this really means?? Apart from "I've had enough of you so fuck off"
She left for good at the end of November, quite amicably I thought, there were tears on both sides, but in our hearts knew it was for the best. Then the black dog came a calling with a vengence. Sleepless nights, cold sweats, not eating for days a huge huge black fog that evelopes your whole being. I was signed off work and recommended for councelling. Different, stronger medications were prescribed, but my sense of loss and lonliness overwhelmed me at times.
One morning early December I found myself on the phone to the Samaritans at 6am, I'd had enough, I needed help and needed it quick. My saviour came in the form of my ex-wife, who that day dragged me to the doctors and then drove me to A&E as I wanted to check in for fear of harming myself and to get better. The recommendation was that wasn't the best idea and my ex-wife said she would take me in for a while and keep an eye on me. I was visited on a regular basis by the Sheffield crisis team and after a week or so decided myself I was ok and should return home.
I started drinking again and a week before Christmas after a massive drinking spree decided enough was enough. I saw no reason to carry on, no one would miss me, they wouldn't have to confront my miserable face on a daily basis and personally I didnt want to carry on any more. I gathered all my meds together and all the booze in the house and one by one started necking them. I managed somehow to send out some garbled texts to friends, one of which rang me inmediately and said basically "What the fuck are you doing??" another friend contacted the Sheffield crisis team who rang me and calmly informed me to stop what i was doing and go to bed.
I was furiously awoken the next morning by my frantic ex wife, who basically, wanted to beat the crap out of me as she'd been recieving worried phone calls all morning, my dad (who is ill himself) and my brother also turned up. I'd wrote the suicide note which my ex found and quickly pocketed. She said if my Dad or brother had read it, it would have caused major upset. She's not even shown it me since and said she may show me in a few years to show how low I'd got.
Throughout all this I've had sporadic contact with the ex, I've sent texts when i shouldn't, rang her on a few occasions when I shouldn't, because I miss my best friend. She has moved on and I wish her nothing but the best, she's blocked and unblocked me on facebook (...and no...I am not a stalker!!) we started to chat on twitter then that was blocked. I just honestly miss my friend.
After 6 weeks off work I returned, a major trauma in itself, as the title of the blog says, it's like wading through treacle. There are good days, but more often than not bad ones. The depression leaves you felling guilty, worthless, no good etc etc. You can't really describe the blackness to anyone unless they've been through it. I would like my ex back as a friend, I know we're over and all that and Ican probably see her reasoning for keeping me out of her life.....it still hurts like hell though.
Anyhow, i'm a songwriter in my spare time and to give my ex credit, she's given me some great new material!!
Can't really say much more apart from I hope the treacle will soon turn to ice cream and then something light and frothy. Hopefully next time I'll blog you some positivity!!
As a friend has said "keep on keeping on"