Been a while since I last blogged. The thing called life seems to have gotten in the way. I could piss and moan for pages how bad it's been, but frankly I'm at the stage were it's getting tedious for all concerned. Depression gets you like that. I looked back at my last blog and seemed everything was rosy in the garden and things were picking up...it was, I've not slumped back to the depths I reached in December. I've started the new job, which I really enjoy, but it's tempered with lonliness and isolation at times. 10hrs a day sat on your own, stuck behind the laptop. Like I said, benefits definitely outweigh the drawbacks, brew when I want, listen to radio/CD's/watch telly when I want, go for a fag when I want, no travelling.
On the personal front, well, all contact has been broken with the ex. It still hurts, I still miss her and she's constantly on my mind. I don't know, but I think my illness wont let the memories go. I'm not used to being on my own and a drawback of working on my own is it gives me too much time to ruminate on past mistakes, if onlies, maybe's, etc. There are good days, I've been out and played a few gigs, met up with friends, spent time with my kids...even made an appearance on a local radio show...but, I feel like there's a massive part of me missing. No one to share the good days and no one to pick me up on the bad ones. I even ventured into the murky world of 'online dating' suffice to say, I'll be giving that a swerve in future!
One thing that has helped me is the wonderful world of Twitter, I was always a bit wary, but I've met some fantastic like-minded people on there, support groups and found their help a godsend. So thanks to all my Twitter compardre's, you are brilliant!
So no pissing and moaning, even though my mood today at times has been very dark, I go back to see the Doc tomorrow to push for more councelling, CBT....anything, even contemplating hypnotherapy. As the title of this blog says, depression and anxiety can be like being back in the playgroud, swings and roundabouts, highs and lows and sometimes wandering around aimlessly like a lost child. I'll try to keep on keeping on. Till next time...Au revoir!
Sunday, 29 April 2012
Monday, 6 February 2012
The secret to treacle thinning!
One week on from my last blog and thought I'd give it another whirl. My blog last week was posted on Tuesday 31st January. I woke up on Wednesday 1st Feb, it seemed a bright morning and I fumbled for my my and had a look on Facebook and twitter. The night before I'd had quite an angry exchange with my ex via text all to do with my frustration at her blocking me these social network sites. Me and the ex were best friends, I know people say let go totally, act as if they never existed blah blah blah, but she has also been hurt by it all and we have txt'd and phoned and been more than civil like good friends should.
Anyway, I decided before getting out of bed that this day, the 1st of the month was going to be my fresh start. I would be positive and use some lessons I'd learned from a book called 'The Secret' heres a link to it on Amazon.The Secret. I'm not going to bang on about it, but basically its about the universe and the 'law of attraction' in that you attract to you what you give out, dont be afraid to ask the universe for anything you want in life, but be grateful, gracious and forgiving.....I know it sounds all hippy tree-hugging bollocks and I was sceptical when I read it, but I've got to be honest, it bloody well works.
So setting off for work that day I asked the universe for me to be peaceful, joyess, forgiving and asked for all friends and family to be looked after or 'blessed'......It's not a god thing either because to be honest I'm an athiest. Got to work and straight away won a spot prize for answering a simple question (It was some weird party day at work) nice big tin of luxery biscuits!! An hour or so later my phone started buzzing in my pocket, so I took a trip to the bog to see if it was important.....It was a mate of mine who'd interviewed for a job a few weeks earlier. Things had dragged on and I'd resigned myself to not getting it......I GOT THE JOB!! Its also a dream job for me working from home!! Fuck me, did I praise the universe that day!!
So In just one day my life basically turned upside down. I know the black dog is always going to be around the corner, but if I can stay positive, give out good vibes and generally be good and nice to people, I will attract good things to me. The downside to the law is that if you start to worry, think bad thoughts, are bitter or unforgiving you're going to attract more and more of that shit down on you! I apologised to the ex for bad words that might have been said and felt quite bad because she'd not had such a good week herself. I ask the universe to keep an eye on her from time to time, but also thank it for giving me a proper chance at a new start.
I play a bit of guitar and write songs and this week I have my first gig of the year so here's the plug...
8.30ish
Wednesday 8th Feb
The Viper Rooms
Division Street
Sheffield
It will be a strange experience because I'll be doing new stuff about my recent trails and tribulations, maybe I'll find it cathartic, it does help with the depression to get it out so to speak, who knows, but if there are any of you reading this and can make it down its free entry.
Finally its my last week working at the job I've been doing for the last 10 years, the place holds so many memories and been a party to 10 years of highs and lows. It will be a strange feeling leavingthe building for the last time. So if any of my old friends form Billy Hills read this.....I've escaped at last!
Right I just need to try and persuade the ex to unblock me on twitter and Facespaz coz I miss my mate and then its full steam ahead into the next chapter.
Keep on keeping on people
Dave xx
Anyway, I decided before getting out of bed that this day, the 1st of the month was going to be my fresh start. I would be positive and use some lessons I'd learned from a book called 'The Secret' heres a link to it on Amazon.The Secret. I'm not going to bang on about it, but basically its about the universe and the 'law of attraction' in that you attract to you what you give out, dont be afraid to ask the universe for anything you want in life, but be grateful, gracious and forgiving.....I know it sounds all hippy tree-hugging bollocks and I was sceptical when I read it, but I've got to be honest, it bloody well works.
So setting off for work that day I asked the universe for me to be peaceful, joyess, forgiving and asked for all friends and family to be looked after or 'blessed'......It's not a god thing either because to be honest I'm an athiest. Got to work and straight away won a spot prize for answering a simple question (It was some weird party day at work) nice big tin of luxery biscuits!! An hour or so later my phone started buzzing in my pocket, so I took a trip to the bog to see if it was important.....It was a mate of mine who'd interviewed for a job a few weeks earlier. Things had dragged on and I'd resigned myself to not getting it......I GOT THE JOB!! Its also a dream job for me working from home!! Fuck me, did I praise the universe that day!!
So In just one day my life basically turned upside down. I know the black dog is always going to be around the corner, but if I can stay positive, give out good vibes and generally be good and nice to people, I will attract good things to me. The downside to the law is that if you start to worry, think bad thoughts, are bitter or unforgiving you're going to attract more and more of that shit down on you! I apologised to the ex for bad words that might have been said and felt quite bad because she'd not had such a good week herself. I ask the universe to keep an eye on her from time to time, but also thank it for giving me a proper chance at a new start.
I play a bit of guitar and write songs and this week I have my first gig of the year so here's the plug...
8.30ish
Wednesday 8th Feb
The Viper Rooms
Division Street
Sheffield
It will be a strange experience because I'll be doing new stuff about my recent trails and tribulations, maybe I'll find it cathartic, it does help with the depression to get it out so to speak, who knows, but if there are any of you reading this and can make it down its free entry.
Finally its my last week working at the job I've been doing for the last 10 years, the place holds so many memories and been a party to 10 years of highs and lows. It will be a strange feeling leavingthe building for the last time. So if any of my old friends form Billy Hills read this.....I've escaped at last!
Right I just need to try and persuade the ex to unblock me on twitter and Facespaz coz I miss my mate and then its full steam ahead into the next chapter.
Keep on keeping on people
Dave xx
Tuesday, 31 January 2012
The fall into the pit
Where to start.....ok, I've suffered on and off with depression for 20 years. I've had a few bad spells, but nothing major like the one I've just been and am still going through. Not to get too in depth I was engaged to a lovely girl and we'd had 3 happy years together. She was as bright as a button and after finishing various degrees decided to go into teaching. We had been living together in Sheffield for 3 years, but after qualifying jobs up here were scarce. She applied for a post in London (where she's originally from) and got the gig straight away starting in September 2011. She did ask if I'd consider moving at the time and like an idiot never thought it through, my answer was no as I've got 2 kids from a previous marriage still in Sheffield.
We decided that she should take the job, it was good pay and we'd be able to save for our wedding a lot quicker.
September came around, we said our goodbyes, then the slide began. We'd catch the odd weekend together, but the lonliness soon set in along with 'the blues' and a increasing drinking habit. This habit led to the end of our engagement after a drunken phone call (which I dont remember as I was that pissed!) I told her I wanted to kill myself because I hated being apart.
I knew this was the beginning of the end, She had reconnected with old london friends, settled into the job and it was going great for her. I was given one more chance to sort myself out. I grasped this and stopped drinking, went to the doctor for help with the depression, joined a gym. We still saw each other on the odd weekend but then hit me with the dreaded phrase "I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore"....Does anyone know what this really means?? Apart from "I've had enough of you so fuck off"
She left for good at the end of November, quite amicably I thought, there were tears on both sides, but in our hearts knew it was for the best. Then the black dog came a calling with a vengence. Sleepless nights, cold sweats, not eating for days a huge huge black fog that evelopes your whole being. I was signed off work and recommended for councelling. Different, stronger medications were prescribed, but my sense of loss and lonliness overwhelmed me at times.
One morning early December I found myself on the phone to the Samaritans at 6am, I'd had enough, I needed help and needed it quick. My saviour came in the form of my ex-wife, who that day dragged me to the doctors and then drove me to A&E as I wanted to check in for fear of harming myself and to get better. The recommendation was that wasn't the best idea and my ex-wife said she would take me in for a while and keep an eye on me. I was visited on a regular basis by the Sheffield crisis team and after a week or so decided myself I was ok and should return home.
I started drinking again and a week before Christmas after a massive drinking spree decided enough was enough. I saw no reason to carry on, no one would miss me, they wouldn't have to confront my miserable face on a daily basis and personally I didnt want to carry on any more. I gathered all my meds together and all the booze in the house and one by one started necking them. I managed somehow to send out some garbled texts to friends, one of which rang me inmediately and said basically "What the fuck are you doing??" another friend contacted the Sheffield crisis team who rang me and calmly informed me to stop what i was doing and go to bed.
I was furiously awoken the next morning by my frantic ex wife, who basically, wanted to beat the crap out of me as she'd been recieving worried phone calls all morning, my dad (who is ill himself) and my brother also turned up. I'd wrote the suicide note which my ex found and quickly pocketed. She said if my Dad or brother had read it, it would have caused major upset. She's not even shown it me since and said she may show me in a few years to show how low I'd got.
Throughout all this I've had sporadic contact with the ex, I've sent texts when i shouldn't, rang her on a few occasions when I shouldn't, because I miss my best friend. She has moved on and I wish her nothing but the best, she's blocked and unblocked me on facebook (...and no...I am not a stalker!!) we started to chat on twitter then that was blocked. I just honestly miss my friend.
After 6 weeks off work I returned, a major trauma in itself, as the title of the blog says, it's like wading through treacle. There are good days, but more often than not bad ones. The depression leaves you felling guilty, worthless, no good etc etc. You can't really describe the blackness to anyone unless they've been through it. I would like my ex back as a friend, I know we're over and all that and Ican probably see her reasoning for keeping me out of her life.....it still hurts like hell though.
Anyhow, i'm a songwriter in my spare time and to give my ex credit, she's given me some great new material!!
Can't really say much more apart from I hope the treacle will soon turn to ice cream and then something light and frothy. Hopefully next time I'll blog you some positivity!!
As a friend has said "keep on keeping on"
We decided that she should take the job, it was good pay and we'd be able to save for our wedding a lot quicker.
September came around, we said our goodbyes, then the slide began. We'd catch the odd weekend together, but the lonliness soon set in along with 'the blues' and a increasing drinking habit. This habit led to the end of our engagement after a drunken phone call (which I dont remember as I was that pissed!) I told her I wanted to kill myself because I hated being apart.
I knew this was the beginning of the end, She had reconnected with old london friends, settled into the job and it was going great for her. I was given one more chance to sort myself out. I grasped this and stopped drinking, went to the doctor for help with the depression, joined a gym. We still saw each other on the odd weekend but then hit me with the dreaded phrase "I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore"....Does anyone know what this really means?? Apart from "I've had enough of you so fuck off"
She left for good at the end of November, quite amicably I thought, there were tears on both sides, but in our hearts knew it was for the best. Then the black dog came a calling with a vengence. Sleepless nights, cold sweats, not eating for days a huge huge black fog that evelopes your whole being. I was signed off work and recommended for councelling. Different, stronger medications were prescribed, but my sense of loss and lonliness overwhelmed me at times.
One morning early December I found myself on the phone to the Samaritans at 6am, I'd had enough, I needed help and needed it quick. My saviour came in the form of my ex-wife, who that day dragged me to the doctors and then drove me to A&E as I wanted to check in for fear of harming myself and to get better. The recommendation was that wasn't the best idea and my ex-wife said she would take me in for a while and keep an eye on me. I was visited on a regular basis by the Sheffield crisis team and after a week or so decided myself I was ok and should return home.
I started drinking again and a week before Christmas after a massive drinking spree decided enough was enough. I saw no reason to carry on, no one would miss me, they wouldn't have to confront my miserable face on a daily basis and personally I didnt want to carry on any more. I gathered all my meds together and all the booze in the house and one by one started necking them. I managed somehow to send out some garbled texts to friends, one of which rang me inmediately and said basically "What the fuck are you doing??" another friend contacted the Sheffield crisis team who rang me and calmly informed me to stop what i was doing and go to bed.
I was furiously awoken the next morning by my frantic ex wife, who basically, wanted to beat the crap out of me as she'd been recieving worried phone calls all morning, my dad (who is ill himself) and my brother also turned up. I'd wrote the suicide note which my ex found and quickly pocketed. She said if my Dad or brother had read it, it would have caused major upset. She's not even shown it me since and said she may show me in a few years to show how low I'd got.
Throughout all this I've had sporadic contact with the ex, I've sent texts when i shouldn't, rang her on a few occasions when I shouldn't, because I miss my best friend. She has moved on and I wish her nothing but the best, she's blocked and unblocked me on facebook (...and no...I am not a stalker!!) we started to chat on twitter then that was blocked. I just honestly miss my friend.
After 6 weeks off work I returned, a major trauma in itself, as the title of the blog says, it's like wading through treacle. There are good days, but more often than not bad ones. The depression leaves you felling guilty, worthless, no good etc etc. You can't really describe the blackness to anyone unless they've been through it. I would like my ex back as a friend, I know we're over and all that and Ican probably see her reasoning for keeping me out of her life.....it still hurts like hell though.
Anyhow, i'm a songwriter in my spare time and to give my ex credit, she's given me some great new material!!
Can't really say much more apart from I hope the treacle will soon turn to ice cream and then something light and frothy. Hopefully next time I'll blog you some positivity!!
As a friend has said "keep on keeping on"
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